


maybe someday

by angstonly



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Exes, First Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, and mentioned yukhei, kinda open ended?? lowkey??, not enough to be tagged as characters tho, very minor jaemin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21779068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstonly/pseuds/angstonly
Summary: "say it." renjun interrupts him. nowhe'ssaying stupid shit. "go ahead, hyuckie."donghyuck's heart aches at the familiar nickname. and it's all the push donghyuck needs to allow himself the stupidity of saying—"i still love you."
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 10
Kudos: 44





	maybe someday

**Author's Note:**

> so i wrote this instead of sleeping??? it's now 7:30am cool aksdfjadsf uhhh yeah
> 
> unedited/unbeta'd and completely freeform!!! apologies for any errors
> 
> pls lmk what u think

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

as first loves go, renjun muses that their story isn't that remarkable. it's cliche—that whole childhood friends to lovers thing. but he's lucky, he supposes, that he's found love at all. even if it's in the form of his next-door neighbor lee donghyuck, who was perfect in every sense of the word until he wasn't. until fairytales turned into nightmares and renjun begs for the tears to stop because everything is just _too much_ all at once.

first loves rarely work out, that much renjun knows. but it doesn't stop him from yearning, from the nostalgia that comes with being back in his hometown. he smiles sadly as his feet take him to familiar places, little spots where young love blossomed and ended. he doesn't know why he's there of all places, but he is.

donghyuck's face flashes in his mind as he arrives at a familiar playground. it's _their_ place, after all. the place where everything began, the place that was just theirs. it's where renjun liked to run away to when things were hard and he needed an escape. it's where donghyuck always came to find him to let renjun know that he wasn't alone; he never will for so long as donghyuck is there.

funny how things work out.

he hasn't run away to the park in _years_. but perhaps this fact is what reminds renjun that his emotions have been bottled up for far too long. why else would he ride on a train for four hours just to be back to a childhood haven? he craves the familiarity, the safety of what was once the refuge where he and donghyuck could escape from their teenage problems and just be with each other. their own little bubble, where things were easy and happy.

sometimes renjun wishes he could go back in time. back to before the fairytale ended. back to before his and donghyuck's end.

renjun seats himself on one of the swings, fingers gripping tightly on the chains as he looks up at the stars. why does he keep thinking of donghyuck? why does he keep thinking of someone who's not even in his life anymore, save for some mutual friends who still hang out with him?

why is he thinking of donghyuck, an ex-love, instead of yukhei, his own boyfriend, who's worried shitless by the fact that renjun ran off without letting any of them know where to?

his phone has been blowing up for hours, messages and calls asking where he is. he knows he should respond at some point, but he can't. he doesn't want to. it's overwhelming and he just wants peace, something he always finds in this playground of memories despite the pain that comes with it.

yukhei deserves better than this, renjun knows that. but in his internal turmoil, all he can think about is donghyuck and the swings where they had their first kiss and the monkey bars where he confessed to renjun for the first time. renjun wishes that he ran to yukhei instead of here, where he drowns in reminiscing about younger and easier days with someone who broke his heart.

but then there he is. lee donghyuck in the flesh.

renjun frowns, wiping at the tears that have been streaming down his face since he got there. it can't be him, renjun thinks. denial swarms his thoughts until donghyuck walks towards renjun and the moonlight illuminates his face.

"found you," donghyuck says with a sigh. "jesus, renjun. you have everyone worried."

renjun stares at him with wide eyes, his heart pounding in his chest. why is he here? why did donghyuck come find him? "h-how did you know where to look?"

donghyuck shrugs, not looking at him. "i know you. you feel safe here. this... this is where you go when the world is too much and you need an escape."

renjun thinks he's dreaming because there is no way in hell that lee donghyuck is here with him right now, in the park that held all their memories. he must be asleep, passed out on the train on his way here. but his tears tell him otherwise—renjun is awake, donghyuck is here, and all the pent up emotions are now tears rolling down his cheeks.

donghyuck crouches down in front of him and wipes his tears away. there's a gentleness in his eyes, a fondness that renjun can't deny that he's absolutely _missed_. "renjun, it's okay. you're okay." his voice is so soft, so tender and sweet. renjun finds himself cry harder, reminded of a time in their shared past when he had ran off after a particularly demanding day.

"stop, donghyuck," renjun slaps his hand away. for a second, hurt flashes on donghyuck's face but it disappears just as quickly as it comes. "stop it. why are you here? w-why did you come look for me? how did you even _know_?"

the break in renjun's voice breaks donghyuck's heart in a million pieces, pulverizes it until it's dust. and donghyuck supposes he deserves it. he deserves the rejection, the anger. he deserves to get trampled on and broken because he had done the same to renjun back then. 

donghyuck forces a smile—a sad smile. and it makes renjun's insides twist in both pain and longing. renjun hates that smile and he hates that all he wants is to kiss it away. "does it matter?" donghyuck asks, rising to his feet.

renjun almost reaches out to grab him, afraid he's going to walk away and leave him again without warning. but he doesn't. instead, he grips tighter onto the chains of the swings, locking his gaze on donghyuck's face. "of course it does," he breathes out. "donghyuck, we haven't said shit to each other in almost a year." renjun's voice is shaky, attempting to crack as tears continue to flow. "you just _left_. no explanation, no nothing. just some lame ' _let's break up'_ and that's it? after _everything_ , that's all i get?"

"i'm sorry," donghyuck says, his own voice trying not to break as he blinks away the tears threatening to fall. "you didn't deserve that."

"fucking asshole," renjun hisses, vigorously wiping at his tears. "took you long enough. fuck."

donghyuck laughs bitterly, looking away to gaze up at the night. the sky is dotted with bright stars tonight, twinkling almost mockingly as he continues to fight against the strong urge to break down and cry. "i know, i'm sorry. i really am, renjun." donghyuck finally looks him in the eye again.

but then renjun's phone rings and interrupts whatever moment they're having and he curses at it, curses at himself. he turns his phone off and sighs. he's fucked up, renjun thinks. instead of responding to loved ones waiting for him, he'd rather focus on finally being able to spend time with donghyuck again—even if it's like this.

"you should have answered that," donghyuck mutters, crestfallen. "they're really worried about you. yukhei and jaemin."

renjun shakes his head and asks donghyuck to just give him a moment. there's so much going on in his head and he's so fucking confused by everything that he just needs a second to breathe. renjun is still reeling in the fact that _donghyuck_ , who he hasn't spoken to in almost a year, is the one who came to find him. that he's here with him back in their hometown.

"okay," donghyuck says, placing a comforting hand on renjun's shoulder. "i'll leave you to yourself. you know where i'll be when... when you want company. _if_ you want company."

and so donghyuck leaves. but instead of thinking about his present or what the future holds after this stunt he pulled, he finds himself thinking more about the past. donghyuck's face is everywhere in his playground and nothing else enters renjun's mind other than _donghyuck donghyuck donghyuck._

donghyuck was renjun's best friend, his first love, his first boyfriend, his first heartbreak. he and renjun shared so many firsts with each other, all the cliches of loving your childhood friend. all the memories as he sits there are more vivid than ever and the images of young love continue to haunt him. everything was perfect until it wasn't. donghyuck was perfect until he wasn't. renjun was perfect until he wasn't. that's how their fairytale became a nightmare. somewhere along the way, things began to change and they were both too proud to lay their egos down to fix things.

renjun stands and he knows where donghyuck is without having to look. he makes his way to the monkey bars; donghyuck has seated himself on top, head tipped upwards staring at the moon. renjun climbs up and sits next to him, following his gaze to the sky.

"you remember." donghyuck notes out loud.

"well, no shit." renjun murmurs. of course, he remembers. how could he not? this very spot is where everything started. this is where donghyuck first confessed his feelings. it was a full moon, much like tonight. donghyuck had draped his jacket over renjun's shoulders, scolding him for not bringing his own.

donghyuck kept posing hypothetical questions: _what if a friend liked you? what if someone confessed to you? what if a_ friend _confessed to you_? renjun snorted at him and told him he was being weird. but then donghyuck stuttered out a confession, telling renjun about how long he's loved him and how it was okay if renjun didn't like guys because donghyuck has long accepted that his feelings are unrequited. renjun shut him up with a kiss to his cheek and that was how they began.

"seriously, donghyuck," renjun breaks the silence, glancing over at him. "what are you doing here?"

donghyuck sighs, eyes not leaving the sky. "i don't know," he admits, chewing mindlessly on his bottom lip. "jaemin just—when jaemin called and asked if i knew where you were, i panicked? he said you just disappeared and weren't answering your phone so— i don't know, renjun. i just knew you would be here and i had to come get you. it was... instinct, i guess."

quiet befalls them and renjun looks up at the moon once more. "you've found me," he whispers, loud enough for only the two of them to hear. "now what?"

donghyuck doesn't say anything for a long moment. and then he sighs. "fuck, renjun, i don't know. now i have to take you back, i guess? if we spend any more time here, i feel like i'm going to say something stupid and i really shouldn't, esp—"

"say it." renjun interrupts him. now _he's_ saying stupid shit. "go ahead, hyuckie."

donghyuck's heart aches at the familiar nickname. and it's all the push donghyuck needs to allow himself the stupidity of saying—

"i still love you."

renjun's world stops. his eyes close for a brief moment, willing away the tears threatening to return. donghyuck looks at him, again with the sadness in his eyes as he smiles. 

"and please don't say anything because i can't— i don't think i can take anything you say without crying. i'm hanging on a piece of thread, ready to break at any moment. i just— god, i love you so much. you have no idea how much i regret everything. it was so fucking stupid, like i could have just— fuck, there was so much i could have done differently but my huge ego got in the way and i lost you. and oh my god, renjun," his voice begins to break, cheeks glistening with shed tears under the moonlight, looking deeply into renjun's eyes. "i'm sorry. i'm so so sorry."

renjun breathes out a shaky breath, finding himself crying at the sight of donghyuck's tears. he holds donghyuck's hands tightly, feeling donghyuck's sincerity in his very core. and just like that, renjun doesn't feel angry anymore. he doesn't resent donghyuck anymore. and he hates that all he wants to do is hug him and kiss him and tell him that he still loves him too.

but he doesn't. he tries to speak but no sound comes out from parted lips. and donghyuck is thankful because he _knows_. donghyuck knows just based on the way renjun is looking at him, the way renjun is crying with him. donghyuck knows that their love hasn't gone away. but it doesn't change the fact that renjun has someone else now and he respects that enough, loves renjun enough to let him go.

"yukhei is great," donghyuck says, winding an arm around renjun who begins to shake as he chokes back sobs. "he's been looking for you. go back to him. come on, let's go. l-let's take you back, okay? you always look so much happier now that you're with him. i'm so happy for you, you know? so come on, let's go."

"you fucking idiot," renjun openly bawls, sobbing into his hands. "you're so stupid. you were _everything_ i ever wanted. fuck, lee donghyuck. you still are, you asshole. it took me so fucking long to heal from us and when yukhei came, it's like i was opened to a new world without you in it." renjun looks up and despair colors his eyes as he regards donghyuck, who looks as miserable as he does. "but look at us, look at where we are. we're back where everything started—where we confessed our feelings, where we told each other i love you for the first time. _goddammit, donghyuck_. you're the one who found me here, not him. you're here with me right now, not him."

"please don't do this, renjun," donghyuck runs his fingers through his hair as he continues to weep. "don't say that. we have years of history; we grew up together here. of course i would know. that's all there is to it. he's so worried about you and if he knew, he'd come here. let's go, please? jaemin got a hotel room nearby. i'll take you to him."

only their cries are heard in the dead of night as they sit there, no more words left to say. finally, renjun gathers up the courage to say, "j-just... just a little more. i'm safe here, with you. i was happiest like this. just give me a few more minutes like this, with my happiness."

but donghyuck says no and climbs down from the monkey bars. as he reaches the bottom, he wipes the remaining tears away from his face and looks up at renjun, a smile more genuine now painted across his lips. "the moment you get down from there, it's like this whole thing never happened. i'll take you to jaemin and we'll forget everything that happened here tonight."

renjun stares at him, almost desperately. "how can you say that, donghyuck? h-how would that even be possible?"

donghyuck doesn't respond and instead holds his arms out for renjun. "jump, renjun. i'll catch you."

renjun continues to stare at him, broken. he knows that donghyuck is right; nothing good will come out of remembering everything that had just happened. renjun's world is one without donghyuck in it and it's going to be turned upside down if they allow this night to interfere. after a moment longer of silence, renjun finally jumps off and lands in donghyuck's arms. he hates that they feel like home. he hates that they feel like it's where renjun rightfully belongs.

donghyuck drives them to where jaemin is staying. if jaemin can surmise anything, he decides not to speak of it. instead, he thanks donghyuck and scolds renjun with an aggressive hug. jaemin offers the other bed for donghyuck to stay in for the night, considering it's already late, but donghyuck declines and says he's already let his parents know he was in town.

"good night, renjun. take care of yourself."

and with that, donghyuck turns away and leaves. but the sight of his back is too familiar and the emotions it elicits are far too strong, because against rational thought, renjun runs after him and tackles him in a hug, clinging onto him as though his life depended on it. "no, hyuckie, don't go. i still love you too. please, hyuck, don't leave me again."

donghyuck's whole body feels like it's been set on fire and renjun's words feel like daggers stabbing straight into his heart. "please don't do this," he whispers, the anguish clear in his voice. he wants to rip out his heart right now because everything just _hurts_. "you have a boyfriend, renjun. you have yukhei. he's a good guy— an _amazing_ guy. don't convince yourself he's not just because of me."

"but he's not you, hyuck," renjun holds donghyuck tightly, afraid of letting go. "he's not you. i want _you_. it's always been you. please, hyuckie. come back to me. _please_."

"i'll always be yours, renjun," donghyuck sucks in a breath. "trust me, i hate this. i wish i could just go back in time and undo everything so we won't be here. but i can't. i have to let you go because i _can't_ be what you need right now and you deserve someone who can be."

"hyuck—"

"i will always love you," donghyuck whispers, pulling renjun's arms off his body. every word that leaves his lips feels like poison against his tongue. "but it's not our time. not right now. and i can't hold you back and i don't want you waiting for me. let me go too."

renjun falls silent, gaze dropping to the ground. he understands; he _does_. but it doesn't hurt any less. sometimes love just isn't enough and renjun is painfully aware of this fact. so he lets donghyuck go too, let's him leave and walk away from him again without another word.

sometimes two people in love need more than just that; they need the right timing, too. and donghyuck is right—it's not their time. but maybe someday, maybe eventually they'll find each other again. when they're both ready, when the time is right. when all the stars align again and they can be the best versions of themselves for each other.

maybe someday, renjun hopes.

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhh yeah that's kind of a mess !! might make an epilogue who knows
> 
> talk to me on [twt](http://twitter.com/renminhyck) or [cc](http://curiouscat.me/jactheangstqueen) !!


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